It seems like forever since I've been on here.  Things aren't going the best for me right now.  For a while things were really good, but as time went by, the "novelty" of my amputation went away and reality sank in.  As the last few months have gone by, everyone got used to the way I am now.  Everyone except me.  Sitting at home doing nothing all day for a year can really get to you.  I was only out of the house for thereapy, and the weight became unbareable.

Jean and  I spilt up.  I moved out about a month ago and I'm staying in a spare room at my friend's house.  The strain of my emotional state became too much for her.  Now as the hurt is the hardest, all I want to do is reach out to her, the one I went to every other time, but she's not there anymore.  We're "trying" to work on things, but no matter what hope I cling to, she's there to tell me why it's not good.  I have to learn to do things on my own.  Not do things, but deal with things.  Times like these I'd play guitar.  Can't do that anymore...

How did you guys do it?  When everyone was "back to normal" and accepted the new you, but you weren't there yet.  How did you deal?  Where did you go to?  What helped?

I'm in school again.  Learning AutoCAD and designing.  The goal is to go back, but this time in the Engineering Dept. instead of the shop floor.  School keeps me busy during the day, but at night, it's just me and my thoughts...  All my other friends are at work or sleeping because they have work the next day.  So alone is how I sit.  I'm running out of ideas here.  Not sure what to do.  Nothing feels like home as I need my own place again.  Haven't lived on my own since the accident.  Not sure how to go about everything.  Not sure how to go about anything...  Any ideas?

  I know I have been kind of quiet the last few weekls so I would like to take the opportunity to fill everyone in on my goings on...

  My prosthetic is "on the way" as the like to tell me. Even tho it's a workers' comp case, I still get the usual runaround from insurance, even when I go where they send me. Eh, it's alright, my Drs are good to me and with me every step of the way.  Plus I have my lovely fiance by my side.  Still, we're eagerly awaiting my new arm...  We know it'll be mechanical, but aside from that, it's all gonna be new.  First the mechanical, then, after a bit, it's bumping up to myoelectric.  Very interesting stuff...

  Aside from that, Jean and I are slowly realizing how much work we're in for.  It's tough at the moment. making these decisions, but we know it will all be worth it in the end.  We're still deciding on the date and whether or not we can do it next year or the year after.

  Well, that's what I've been up to lately.  Nothing much to report, but I am glad for the concern.  Thank you to everyone!

-Paul

Well, first off, thank you to everyone here for all their words of support and wisdom.  Second, I would like to announce that Jean and I are now engaged!  I'm sure you can understand the joy I feel that she will be by my side forever...

  It is late, and once again, I can't sleep. The phantom pains are bothering me. I take my meds as prescribed, but they seem to have no affect. Maybe they do, and w/o them, I'd be worse off than I am. Maybe... Then again, perhaps I'm just mixed up in the head... It is late...

  I stopped watching TV. I read that if you're insomniac, watching TV makes it worse... a lot worse. I read instead. Donning my glasses, I lay on the couch reading a book leant by Ro. It's about an old man dying of disease and how he has no fear. He faces death openly b/c to succomb to grief would negate his life. In some ways, I can relate. I could let this whole arm ordeal get to me, or I can rise above. I choose the latter. Unfortunately, my body isn't agreeing at the moment. Stupid body. It'll learn one of these nights. I'll deprive it of distraction. Then it'll have no choice but to relax. I'll wear it out so it needs rest. Then I'll sleep. I already did away with TV.

  Ahh, sleep. The ever so elusive, nightime, ritual of most of the world... I can grasp sleepiness, but don't have the strength to hold on. It jumps up and runs away. I give chase, but w/o the strength, it soon shrinks in the distance leaving me awake and burdened with an over-abundance of metaphors... Ahh sleep. You come so easily to thers. Why must you elude me? Fuck you sleep.

  This is, of course, made worse by the fact of what I'm missing by being out here. I knowshe's sleeping. God, I wish I could join her. I've already made two attempts to join her on the bed, wrapped in blankets while the cool night breeze drfifts in thru the open window. It is my favorite way to sleep. I just can't get there... Everytime I try to put my head down, sleepiness taunts me like I'm a dog begging for treats (ooh, a simile creeps it's way into my string of metaphors. It must be destroyed). Just as I think I've got it, NOPE! It's gone again. So long sleep. Hello analogies and holilies.

  I hate that I can't sleep next to her... I hate that I'm stuck awake while the rest of the world shares a good night's rest... One of those. That's all I ask. One decent night's sleep with her in my arms would do me wonders. Perhaps the chase is where I'm destined to stay at night... It's almost a second home. That's so sad.

  Last night was good. I stayed in bed the whole time.. I was awake, yes, but reading in bed next to her, prepared for when my eyelids got too heavy to read and I had my short date with my friend, Mr. Sandman. I slept so well. I want that back, again, frequently...

  I used percocet as a sleeping pill. I'm almost out and have no prescription for more... I don't want more. I just want to sleep at night. Monday, I'll go see the doctor. I don't want to be dependent upon drugs, but I know the healing takes time. If I can last until then, I'll be fine.

  I won't let this thing beat me. It's a hard fight, tho. And although I prevail, the battle makes me weary. Just not weary enough to sleep...

OK, so these things are really bothering me. The name is deceiving. They don't really hurt... mostly. For those of you interested, (thanks for the idea Trav) I have an experiment for you.

Walk around for a while with your arm as if it were in a sling, (across your chest, about midway between your head and bellybuttom) only, there is no sling to let your muscles relax. You have to hold it there till your arm hurts, then hold it some more.

Then ask a friend with a firm grip to shake your hand, hard, while you don't shake back. Keep arm in same position. Then open a can of tomatoes with one hand, strain a pot of boiling macaroni, and carry a laundry basket downstairs... all with one hand. Now imagine that there is no arm...

That is how it feels to have phantom pains. I constantly feel as if my arm was asleep, and now blood is rushing back into it. My phantom hand feels like it was squeezed too hard and will not open. My phantom wrist feels twisted too far and won't twist back. My phantom elbow is constantly bent a little over 90 degrees and will not straighten. My phantom muscles are holding it there and strained from the phantom effort. IT'S NOT THERE! I constantly, always, at-all-times, feel an arm that is actually in cold storage in the basement of Hackensack University Medical Center.

They say it's b/c my damaged nerves are healing and are overly sensitive. They say that back-part, subconscious part of my brain doesn't realize I don't have an arm any more. I was told that over time my hand will feel closer to my chest and once it reaches my chest the phantom sensations will go away. Yup, as the feeling of my non-existant hand reaches my chest, it will start to fade.

The issue is that this feling is so uncomfortable that it never leaves my mind. As long as I keep my mind occupied or distracted, the feelings subside for a bit. During the day, that's fine. I can deal with these sensations and distract myself.

When the sun goes down, when I try to lay down to sleep, well, therein lies the problem. It's like when you can't stop thinking bad thoughts. You can't sleep. It's like when you really have to pee, but are too lazy to actually get up. You can't sleep. It's like when your subconscious remembers a watered-down version of the accident. You can't sleep.

I need to up my meds cuz now the only sleep I get is when my body just can't take anymore and forces sleep upon me. I then curl up on the couch and sleep for an hour or two.

Ironic.

At first, I had no energy. The anesthesia was still in my system. My body used the energy I had to heal. Makes sense. I had to leave places early and stay home more. I couldn't drive. Even if my car was an automatic and it wasn't illegal for me to drive, I couldn't drive b/cI had no energy.

Now, I'm always awake. I don't really sleep... more of a series of naps throughout the day. I still can't drive, but now it's b/c I can't reach the stick... and b/c it's illegal. Now my stump is all healed, I have an over-abundance of energy, and my mind won't stop with these phantom pains...