Well with life going on and whatnot, I haven't been on site in a while. My recovery is coming along pretty well I suppose. I have lots of time on my hands and that leads to bouts with depression. I am trying my best to keep clear of that and keeping as upbeat an outlook as I can.

I went back to the Dr. the end of Nov. and was cleared to go get a prothesis. I mentioned to them that I was still in a great deal of pain. Its constant background noise. Not so bad as to be intolerable all the time, just every now and again you just want to pull your hair out. I am sure you all understand. So at any rate, I asked the Dr. to renew my script and he told me that I had taken the pain meds long enough and he wouldn't perscribe more for me.  I discussed with him that I had stretched what was an 8 day total supply out over 6 weeks, and was only taking them in the evening so I could go to sleep w/o pain. Made me out to be some sort of junkie, it was a very unpleasant experiance. He said that he never perscribed pain meds beyond six weeks. My reply to him was to let me rip his leg off, then amputate it, and see if he was ready to be completly off pain meds in a little over 9 weeks.  His answer was to take an Advil......So now I haven"t slept well in several weeks. I really get no results from OTC meds. I am not trying to develop a habit of anything, but geez man some relief from time to time would be nice. I thought one of my rights as a patient was to be able to live with some level of relief, not constant pain.

I am getting out and around much more. I have gone to visit several friends and gone out to places to eat and the grocery, etc. It points out to me so much more how others have no idea what we really go through. I am still in a wheelchair at this point, and the looks of pity and the avoidance is really something. I know I did the same thing when I was whole. I had no idea being on the other side of the coin what it felt like. I will never again treat someone who is disabled like they are less again. Its been a valuable lesson in how to treat people with disabilities. I make it a point now to talk to everyone I see that is in a chair or on a walker, crutches, etc. We are family now.

So my friends all try to be as nice as they can, and give me lip service, but I can tell that until I get back on my foot again, I will not be equal in their eyes. Its not uncommon to find myself in a room alone with everyone else slowly drifting off to be with the healthy people. Its trippy, I get to stay in the room with the toddlers. It was sort of a wakeup call at a larger gathering a went to, when this became so obvious to me.  I have to give props to a very small portion of my friends who don't treat me this way, or at the least go out of their way to make me fell comfortable. My wife, who really is my hero even does it sometimes. I pointed out to her the other day that no matter what room I go into to be with her, within a few minutes she drifts off to another room and leaves me alone. I don't even think she realizes that she does it. I dunno, maybe its me, or maybe just subconciously she can't bear to see me down like this.

Well for the good news, I am recovering quite well. I have been lifting weights and strengthening my upper body. I was released from occupational and physical therapy. The Dr didn't even see the need to refer me to outpatient as I have pretty much taken the reins and refused to let this stop me from finding ways to get up and out, to work at getting stronger. I went to the prothetic doc this past week and will have my trainer in about 3 weeks. He told me it was paramount that I take it easy, and said I may be a bit too eager and hurt myself. I look really forward to that.

I have been going to church and it is wonderful to be back in the family of the Lord. His grace has brought me a long way. I will continue to work my way back and hopefully will find a place to settle soon. We are trying different ones to find one we really like.

 Well my hand is about to fall off. Thats all for this installment. Bless you all, and may strength be yours.

Martin