It seems like every time I visit the site I come off really melancholy afterward. I don't know how to explain it. I really enjoy many of the people and the blogs. There has been a load of info that I have found here that has been extremely helpful and informative. Its just that after I have spent a lot of time reading through I am bummed instead of bolstered. There have been bad days, especially in that period right before getting my prosthesis, when I had too much time on my hands, that I tried to start feeling sorry for myself. But that is counter productive and will lead nowhere. I have to get through it, get over it. It is what it is and there is nothing that will change what is other than my will. If I am going to be the person I want to be and get back to doing the things I can do then I cannot view myself as disabled or crippled. I have to look at doing things like I have always been this way and its just a minor obstacle.
I hope that I can continue to carry the conviction of this ideal. For all I know I may still be stuck in denial. I have always been the provider in my family. I have always been the one to lean on, and I must get back there. I realize its prideful, but it is who I am. I equate a lot of my self worth and usefulness to my productivity and ability to provide for my family. I realize that I am not the same as any other person here in relation to the exact nature of injury and that I may or may not have all the same problems, but I see so many people posting about renewed issues, new surgeries being required, aches, pains, etc. I don't know, I think that to a certain respect I want these things to come as they may, not for me to sit around and worry myself about when or if they are going to happen.
There are many here who are bright lights and pure inspiration. It may just be the fear and uncertainty about my future that seems to amplify the bad things rather than focusing on the good. I have to do some healing in my own mind before I can start dealing with the realities of not only my, but other people's situations. I am almost sure that I will change my mind, but as of right now I have to say "ta". I wish you all the best.
I have been almost a week with my new prosthetic. YAY!!!
I am curious. What are you fellow BKA's doing about long legged pants to wear?
I have many pair of relaxed fit jeans and cannot wear them due to the bottom of the leg not fitting around the top of the prosthesis in order to adjust socks and so forth. I don't know what I should do. Obviously I cannot live the rest of my life wearing shorts and sweatpants.
Especially when it comes to dress clothes I am at a loss.
I have never been a particular fan of the extremely baggy "ghetto" pants. I have considered stiching a line up the inside seam and cutting about halfway up the knee. I am wondering how bad that will look. I thought to install a zipper or something to keep it closed, but being out of work doesn't allow me much money for alterations either, and sewing isn't one of my strong suits...lol guess I have time to learn?
Anyway, what are y'all doing about pantslegs to fit over the prothetic?
Thanks ahead of time, and Happy Holidays to all of you.
I have ridden motorcycles in one fashion or another for around 20 years. Until this accident I had only been involved in one other wreck, and it was minor.I had gotten so used to having to watch out for myself that I no longer even noted the avoidance manuvers I was doing on a daily basis to watch out for "cagers". In spite of the accident and the resulting injuries I still yearn for the day that I can climb aboard one again. I still have my Harley, but it will be gone, sold, within the next week or so. My Honda was a complete loss, as torn up as I was...just not insured for replacement. I know that watching my hog go down the road is going to break my heart.
My wife was learing to ride, but since the incident has torn up her license and refuses to have anything to do with a bike. Until recently she couldn't even look at one w/o crying.
She has asked me to be done with bikes forever. She cannot bear for me to put myself in a position to be injured this same way again. I know in a sense she is right. I survived what should really have killed me. Getting back on a bike again is just playing with fate I know. And in spite of it, every time I see one on the road I feel that yearning. I miss the lifestyle, the wind in my hair, the carefree feeling. I haven't been on one yet of course and really don't know if I wouldn't be afraid once I was there. I feel I need to mount up and see. She has in essence told me that if I do she will kill me herself.
I know that if I wait a few years I may be able to convince her, but am having trouble with knowing if I even should. Perhaps this was my wakeup call to be done with them.
How many of you injured on a bike have or want to ride again? How has the experiance been for you? your spouse or sig. other?
Well with life going on and whatnot, I haven't been on site in a while. My recovery is coming along pretty well I suppose. I have lots of time on my hands and that leads to bouts with depression. I am trying my best to keep clear of that and keeping as upbeat an outlook as I can.
I went back to the Dr. the end of Nov. and was cleared to go get a prothesis. I mentioned to them that I was still in a great deal of pain. Its constant background noise. Not so bad as to be intolerable all the time, just every now and again you just want to pull your hair out. I am sure you all understand. So at any rate, I asked the Dr. to renew my script and he told me that I had taken the pain meds long enough and he wouldn't perscribe more for me. I discussed with him that I had stretched what was an 8 day total supply out over 6 weeks, and was only taking them in the evening so I could go to sleep w/o pain. Made me out to be some sort of junkie, it was a very unpleasant experiance. He said that he never perscribed pain meds beyond six weeks. My reply to him was to let me rip his leg off, then amputate it, and see if he was ready to be completly off pain meds in a little over 9 weeks. His answer was to take an Advil......So now I haven"t slept well in several weeks. I really get no results from OTC meds. I am not trying to develop a habit of anything, but geez man some relief from time to time would be nice. I thought one of my rights as a patient was to be able to live with some level of relief, not constant pain.
I am getting out and around much more. I have gone to visit several friends and gone out to places to eat and the grocery, etc. It points out to me so much more how others have no idea what we really go through. I am still in a wheelchair at this point, and the looks of pity and the avoidance is really something. I know I did the same thing when I was whole. I had no idea being on the other side of the coin what it felt like. I will never again treat someone who is disabled like they are less again. Its been a valuable lesson in how to treat people with disabilities. I make it a point now to talk to everyone I see that is in a chair or on a walker, crutches, etc. We are family now.
So my friends all try to be as nice as they can, and give me lip service, but I can tell that until I get back on my foot again, I will not be equal in their eyes. Its not uncommon to find myself in a room alone with everyone else slowly drifting off to be with the healthy people. Its trippy, I get to stay in the room with the toddlers. It was sort of a wakeup call at a larger gathering a went to, when this became so obvious to me. I have to give props to a very small portion of my friends who don't treat me this way, or at the least go out of their way to make me fell comfortable. My wife, who really is my hero even does it sometimes. I pointed out to her the other day that no matter what room I go into to be with her, within a few minutes she drifts off to another room and leaves me alone. I don't even think she realizes that she does it. I dunno, maybe its me, or maybe just subconciously she can't bear to see me down like this.
Well for the good news, I am recovering quite well. I have been lifting weights and strengthening my upper body. I was released from occupational and physical therapy. The Dr didn't even see the need to refer me to outpatient as I have pretty much taken the reins and refused to let this stop me from finding ways to get up and out, to work at getting stronger. I went to the prothetic doc this past week and will have my trainer in about 3 weeks. He told me it was paramount that I take it easy, and said I may be a bit too eager and hurt myself. I look really forward to that.
I have been going to church and it is wonderful to be back in the family of the Lord. His grace has brought me a long way. I will continue to work my way back and hopefully will find a place to settle soon. We are trying different ones to find one we really like.
Well my hand is about to fall off. Thats all for this installment. Bless you all, and may strength be yours.
I am curious to know how you are dealing with your phantom pains?
Ever since my amputation I have had incredible bouts with "the foot". I can still feel my shin and foot. Unfortunate for me is that I feel it in its last condition, broken and crushed, ect. and it gives me intense sensations of pain shooting up my leg. It comes on about the second I wake up, and all day until I get some fitful and often waking "sleep".
I am taking neurontin for the condition but it seems to do little. After doing a bit of research about that drug I am actually a bit frightened for my well being. It appears to have a few nasty side effects. I do not care for pain killers and they actually don't help anyway. I took myself off the morphine while in the hospital. I don't even like taking aspirin....I have a few close family members that have a serious prescription medication problem and it has taught me a strong lesson in why not to become too dependant on them.
Anywho.....how long does this last? Should I get used to this as a normal part of my life from here on out? Is there something I can do to aleviate some of the pain? It is to the point that I am constantly preoccupied with my stump and cannot hold concentration on anything or anyone for more than a moment. I know that friends and family have to be tired of hearing about it......
