I read another discussion today, and this one was about depression and counseling. I wanted to share something that was very helpful for me to do. Almost a year ago, my husband and I were talking to a friend of ours who is a counseler. We were talking about things in our past that still effect us today and how to really get free from them. He recommended that we sit down and think about the losses that we have incurred in our lives. Grieving is an important part of life and too often we shove down the thoughts and emotions that need to come out to heal. I can't think of the steps right now, but there is an entire chain of stages in the grieving process and they take different amounts of time and are different degrees of severity for different people. Anyway, my point is that you do have to deal with the negative before you can get back to the positive points in life.

This exercise helped me out a lot. I am only going to post the part that has to do with losing my leg on here, because the rest wouldn't really make a whole lot of sense without knowing me and my history better. I will vaguely list a few just to summerize, so that you get the idea that a loss can be just about anything that you feel you are or were missing out on. My parents were both extreme workaholic's and I listed not having them in my life enough as one of my losses as well as having never really bonded with either of them. Also included was moving around a lot while I was in school, and losing lots and lots of friends, and never staying anywhere long enough to really feel like I fit in.

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I count my leg as a loss, though it hurt far less than my other wounds. It has scarred over where many of my other more painful emotional injuries are still gaping holes. If I had to describe what it's like to have to use a prosthetic, I would say that it is like being a racecar driver stuck in a really slow car, and not ever being able to get into the fast lane where you watch people fly by you with ease. It's like that and a really annoying fly that you forget about for just a moment before it shows back up to annoy you again. There are things that bother me now that I can't do them. Some are simple things like walking up and down stairs with ease, walking up and down hills one foot over the other, squatting, getting through an airport line in a reasonable amount of time, driving stick shift, going a whole day without ever thinking about my legs, and being able to walk gracefully. Others are things that I used to do or want to do just for enjoyment. I miss wakeboarding, playing tackle football, gymnastics and basketball. I miss being able to walk on the beach and being able to scuba dive. And yes I am a little bit of a girl and there is a little bit of vanity in there, I miss how I used to look in a swimming suit, and I miss not having to worry about whether my skirts and shorts "match" my leg, and now that people feel sorry for me and wouldn't want to be me, I miss being envied. I miss riding horses, especially crazy ones. I miss climbing a tree, and sitting in it all afternoon. I miss taking vacations where you have to hike or walk a lot to see the sights. I miss not ever having to just watch. I miss my friends and family not having to keep in mind my physical limitations when planning activities, and I miss not being a drag. In general I miss being able to do pretty much whatever I wanted whenever I wanted, with no real physical complications or limitations. I want to be able to take kickboxing as a family. I want to be able to ride a motorcycle. I want to be able to take my son on bad-ass vacations and do crazy things with him. I want to be able to race and play sports with him. I want to be able to get there quickly when Joshua falls down and gets hurt. I want Joshua to be able to grow up not having to explain his mom all the time, and not having to deal with people who feel bad, or who don't know what to say and act weird. I don't want him to have to watch people whisper to each other, knowing exactly what they are talking about. I want Joshua to grow up being as "normal" as possible, with any deviation from that being because he wants to be different.
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Truly accepting what I have lost has made what I haven't lost, so much more valuable to me. Another thing that has proven very helpful, when I am having a really bad day, or just when I have a lot on my mind , is to sit down and just type. Whatever I am feeling or thinking. When I get it all laid out in front of me, it unscrambles my thoughts and I can move on from it and focus on something different. I have all of my writing in a word file that I just continually add to as needed. It's also nice to have it to look back on later and see how far I really have come.

I just read a conversation about "surgery day", and it made me think back on mine. The day was strangely upbeat and the atmosphere was quite peaceful (except for my dad, he still thought that I should have chosen to have the cadaver bone transplant, he doesn't now).

My brother in law actually asked if he could have the leg to have stuffed as a doorstop. I think that he was mostly kidding but I asked the doctor anyway. The doctor said that it is illegal for them to give you your own parts back.

I for some unknown reason thought to ask the doctor to photograph the surgery and they did. I have the entire amputation from begining to end. Contrary to what you would think, it wasn't bloody at all. As long as I don't concentrate on the fact that it was me that they were cutting up, I find them quite interesting. I won't go into much detail, but they use the same types of tools that a carpenter would, just white. I would put them on here, but I don't think that everyone would have an equal appreciation for them.

The other thing was that my entire family signed my leg with permanent marker before surgery like you would a cast. It had all kinds of crazy things on there, "goodbye chicken leg", "rip", "you were loved", and more that I can't remember. It was almost like a goodbye party at the hospital. I would say it was most likely a first for the people in the pathology lab.

After writing all of this and thinking about it, I don't think that any of that was in the slightest bit normal =) I had a few weeks off from chemo before the surgery, and was feeling the best I had in a while. The amputation was almost a relief, just knowing that the cancer was gone and far from me. It was like they traded my leg for my life.

Just thought I'd share =)