Finally!  I found this site again. Sometimes I have to sign in, and then I go to my "alter ego" site, the site I started when I couldn't get to my "real" site. This is confusing. Anyway, I had a birthday last week. Now I'm 58. I don't know whether it's aging another year or being disabled that's got me extremely depressed, but something's going on. I've noticed since being on chemo last winter that my body chemistry seems to have changed in many different and annoying ways. Maybe this depression is one of them. And now I have a sore on the side of my knee. I'm afraid to wear my prosthetic on that leg until my dr checks it out tomorrow.  Question:  when y'all have a problem with a sore on your stump (& you're not diabetic - that seems to make a difference), which dr do you go to?  Your family dr, your "specialist" (whatever, like dermatologist, oncologist, vascular dr?), your prosthetics guy? I was all ready to go out partying for my birthday Friday night, then realized I'd better not push my luck.

I'm tired of being "sick".  When I wear jeans, no one can tell (except for my cane) that I wear prosthetics, but I know. I FEEL different from everyone else. Now that my hair's growing back, I don't LOOK much different than I did before, but I sure miss the life I had before my legs were amputated.  I can now walk 24 houses in my neighborhood (12 down, 12 back). Don't know how far that is, but if I go the other direction, it's 22 houses total, with no bench to sit on at the end of the block (my friend lives in house # 12 the other direction & has a bench on her porch).  I've been depressed for years, but before amputation I'd walk from home to the beach, about 5 miles, hang out with friends, have a beer, then walk home. Can't walk like that now, so when I'm frustrated or pissed, I throw things (spent an extra day in the hospital last week because I was so mad I threw my cell phone across the room) or try to put my fist thru a wall - that hurts!  I know I also hurt my family in emotional ways, just seeing me like this and knowing there's really nothing they can do about it. In my younger days, I did a lot of drugs.  Sure wish I had some of them now, because they could be relaxing & get me thru the rough spots.  I have a therapist (mental), and many good friends, but none who have been thru ANYTHING like I have the past 3 years. October & November have been lousy months for me for years.  My dad died the Saturday after Thanksgiving (years ago), my upper left lung lobe was removed 10/31/08, and my legs were amputated 10/21/09.  I've spent the past 3 Novembers in bed for the most part.  Thought this November would be better, then I got thie f---ing sore!

Thanks for listening.  Don't mean to bring anybody else down.  I'll get over this, like I always do. Everyone refers to me as an "inspiration" and "MARVEL" at how I'm doing so well. Well, I'm not doing well now. Next time you see me, though, I'll have a smile on my face, a drink in my hand and a "Cheers, Mate" to Blair!

Happy Sunday